the other day i accepted everything just exactly as it is. i fell through a hole in the universe

  there’s this side and there’s that side (both are it) it’s just on that side (you are the door) the sun is out

  last night where i have been galaxies burned stars turned comets, planets, suns and yet an intimacy i have not known exhilaration without centre something moved to find the phone to call someone to tell them: look but there wasn’t a phone or anyone to call just this: an ecstasy of silence

  i’m reading this book about how god is an unreconstructed maniac i think it might be true: it’s why I’ve been afraid forever to look her directly in the face

  and the day came in which i folded up all my pictures of you: the saints, the women who made it, even the horse i had as a child the one that died. i folded them up and put them back inside my heart the place, in the beginning i’d taken them out of [...]

  why do good things happen to bad people ? do good things happen to bad people ? things ? people ? it’s all seeming less and less likely

  on the wall above my bed i wrote 100 names for you they were all - every single one of them - Love  

  i said to god: make me an agent and she said: don’t you want a new car ? i was trying to work out the correct response to that when she said : and a place to live, beautiful and wild and a lover who really – really – loves you and a horse [...]

  when the mind turns to the matter in hand i am exalted when the mind doesn’t turn also am i exalted it seems, these days, the mind can do as it likes

  sometimes i lie in bed all day eating toast and praising things choking on butter and tears stunned at the wonder of it all sometimes i go outside and press my face into the world raging at all in it that is wrong, harsh, unloving at all of the ones who didn’t want who [...]

melt me i said like butter into you

when i woke i heard her calling i went down stairs and she came around me figs flowers bees a butterfly and without waiting for me to do up even one button hurried me down the rocky path flecking me with sunlight past the place the snake lies straight belly uppermost and on, breathless into [...]

and the day came in which it was clear (devastating) that every single thing was strung, glued, held together, built on top of and buoyed up on a nonsensical sea of absolute hysterical meaningless nothing

this nun once told me all finger raised and narrow eye: if your room is untidy the Buddha won’t come it’s not true – Look ! i’ve got clothes all over the floor cups on the bedside table a couple of bottles rolling near the rubbish bin and who is that standing right in front [...]

and afterwardswhen they asked me what it was i loved the most i said the wind my squalling, uncontainable brother coming out of nowhere impossible, wild ripping up the old sometimes (often) before its sell-by

we bathed in the total simplicity of absolute nothing over and over until our hair was matted with it our skins saturated we came in on a last wave – scrambling tumbling somersaulting triumphant to pick ourselves up salty and laughing clambering over each other we got in the car and went in search of [...]

ahead of us they unroll a new road sticky stench of sweet tarmac in 38 degree heat squinting men in hi-viz wave their flags and say Aspetta i say About Time and Grazie these are the new roads for the new ways the ones direct from Truth  

turned out it wasn't the prince, after all reminded cinderella who she was or even the fairy godmother turned out it was cinderella herself who, one day, sick of the charade washed the grime off her face told the stepmother and all those uglies where to put it woke the fuck up

bird winds the sky rolls the sea out. then in she brings me all her treasures seeds, nuts, shells a bright pink flower from the other side of the world lays them at my feet  i wonder : am i worthy ? she doesn’t know what that means doesn’t care  brings more says: and this 

i touched the bus and then my eye tell me something:  will i die ? 

that’s what I like about trees, fields, land etc they pay notice (none)  - nunca nulla nada –  to the idea that someone owns them mine, his, theirs etc they’re like: que ? 

in you i meet for the first time and utterly the love i am 

today when i went outside everything trees plants people -even the people- said i love you

i am and i am not we are and we are not we never were and we always are i mean and WT holy F ? 

she easy on you she hard on you she you

still  believing to be  out in the cold you run helter skelter across the fields still turning up the same old  snuffling through it looking in any and in it all for something called the way out and still  you run

  when all the wishes got handed outi got this onethe one that will burn- roof wall rafter -this house to rubblethat i might walk cleanas Love

  and the wind blows through rattling the old leaves scattering them through the runnels of time and You. you still stand there with me in the place we meet in the place we are always meeting beside the twisted olive on the white road under a pink moon on the other side of time

  the beloved gave me a namewhispered it in my eari took it in both hands and weptit was one i’d had beforebut the truth is these cells, the ones that dance and singthey no longer answer to letter or soundthese days they do entirely their own thingunfetteredfree

  he says he’d like to be with me i’m like: but i am with you i’m with you. The. Whole. Time and he’s like: but are you really ? and i’m like: well where else would I be ? where else indeed ? he says, smiling

  believing myself not to be (i am clear love i am pure light) i pick my way through the ashes of what fear made

  let me in that i might burn to ash what of you remains

  for how long are you thinking you can keep this up ? making as if to hide that great light inside meaner and meaner rags of story ducking behind the leftover scraps of what you pretend to be you think we don’t see it ?

i had not expected her to be so vast so all including i searched but couldn’t find a single thing outside of her even hate

  as I come up through all my incarnations sometimes i feel like the slowest child in school

  white roadpink moontree twisted in timei have been meeting my friend here foreverbefore the doors of timeblew open

  there's one thing only lives outside of time and space find It

  i am she inside which Belonging happens

this heart pain feel it keenly it’s also love it’s love meeting in you in the deepest places that are still dark

i hide here (touching heart) in plain sight i live in the space between what is taken for granted and  what is taken for granted i am inside breathing  (touching heart) find me 

body of light moving across the omniverse in and out of days through lives and families in and out of story body of light meeting itself  in the ends of the earth picking its way across the speckled seas  threaded through the song of whales (bringer of the start) joining one with another  (ecstasy) for [...]

body of love natural, one movement roaming over mine  stars through the dark body of love waves on the shore foaming in its own bliss

body of love moving across the great plain of existence in and out of human of grasses of rock body of love recognising no border only itself 

body of light across the eons come now, make me body of light  across the stars, the galaxies the systems outside of knowing  body of light  library of thinking  all of the thoughts that have ever happened come now, make me  in my remembering whole

stream of love moving always moving  looking only for itself inside things and  under stones  inside humans in the shapes between  stream of love searching always for itself moving through walls and outlines shapes and labels  laughing to discover itself stream of love  flowing through tomorrow into yesterday body of love respecting no wall or [...]

i am at the other side of what begins  and what ends beginning and ending happen within me which is why there  in those places – (the tenderest)  where human is without words and floundering i am

Who are you ?  i ? i am the not wishing things to be different i am the turning to things as they are i am the ins and the outs the ups and the downs without the layings-on-top of the mind  i am the dreams come true and  the catastrophes breaking down the walls  [...]

ego loves a journey do You ? 

it isn’t and it is it is and it isn’t  outside of all that I am

why limit love ?  sense make it none does the great ocean (life) say : this but not that him but not her ?  look:  here are scissors take them to the sky Sing ! 

how am I meant to fit in to this world ?  you’re not

paper moon looks down says:  it’s hard the remembering and  it’s hard the not remembering  Laughs.  (breaks my heart)

when I am a Me thinking of a You it hurts otherwise  it’s just Love

In order to prevent myself dissolving utterly into light i ate toast with Nutella a lot of it. it worked 

the cells of you sing the new

she say: you came i say: where?  (check she mean me) an she say (laughin): home an I say: where? (still aint believing) an she say: jus right where you are  (still aint breathin)  she take me in close  up inside her soft soft (green) an I say inside quiet: yes an she say yes [...]

heart of mine she belong to the world an in that belonging she sing

and so the longing  sent out across the years became the track by which the Lover sent back the arrow  which pierced me through from base to crown and made me his  complete 

everything i ever loved was taken from me  arms fingers clinging unfurled one then one then one everything i ever loved was taken from me screaming  until and last no thing remained just the thing which has no other:   Bright. Pure. Love. 

I slowed down light to know myself I slowed down light to become human  I slowed down light to know myself  In all of your days dreams boredoms I slowed down light to become manifest  Spread across the rocks In amongst the berries In the tides the days the heart aches and the victories There [...]

not by and by but now  step off the world  into the Bright:  One, Two, Free 

we two are old friends meeting here without border we two meeting here are old friends same same you and me Remember? 

as we get closer in to the centre  where nothing ever happens  i bump into of all people you i can’t really see the division between us is there one ? 

the other end of this pain – feel it - is not a human or the answer to a prayer (feel it)  the other end of this pain – feel it –  is you an me completion  

sun slid up  making new sky orange slice cocktail dream come true and we was that time silent born new  as nothing  ocean mother movement nothing

today the Future (ruthless crystal blinding) would like to manifestthrough you because of thisplease empty yourself entirely of every thing that ever happened people places thoughts& cigarettes

and i asked god what should i do ? and she said Be so i said and after that ? and she said Do and i said What ? and she said Whatever You Goddam Like My Wild Precious Miraculous Darling

i pray: mother unfurl my fingers one then one where they cling koala to the eucalyp let me to remember myself astounding pure as awareness no inner no outer dancing in space other side of time she say (laughing): that mother she you

i am the belonging and you are the humbling the secret honey of our union slides down god’s thighs shows us home

the need is to align my cells each one yes then Yes Yes to your vibration or i die the slow death of new shoes and more love the slow death of human

when I am not with you entirely i go ballistic stark raving upside down and freak the fuck out which is why I need to be with you inside of you outside of you all of my bells heart throat belly sounding You out all of the time

when i want to and i can’t when i won’t but i want to sometimes in that desperation right at the edges of my place there She is the Everything I can never understand the ins and outs of my endlessly breaking heart the rubble of it all the Everything for which - my head [...]

this morning in the listening before i was fully awake god spoke you she said, her voice silver are the apple of my eye she meant me but not only she meant every single one of us here: in the silence put your ear to her lips

today the sky is white bright white blinding spirit bright against it the white blossom on the cherry tree in the car park the other side of my house looks dirty human. warm. the sweet hum of the world

and you may find yourself wanting wanting to know this or that or any of these things Does. He. Will. We. Forever: grasping mind. nothing: ash, reaching for ash. nothing reaching for nothing nothing to know except you. in every moment: This.

the other day i was acting all normal trying to sell scarves to people in the run up to Christmas so I’m folding them and i’m folding them when I see outside the felt dark rounds of the hills the filigree of their ink black crowns the way they have pressed themselves hungry exciting into [...]

on one of these days i allowed the heart she burst like april into being unfurling her skirts into tomorrow she was blinding dazzling like the moon close up but without the let down she was everything i’ve never found but always known somewhere – find it! - inside every dull eyed thought one of [...]

one day i allowed the heart: she sprang like spring into flowers

in january amid all this flurry it dropped (sweet relief) honey from the tree into my open mouth: there is no need to pray. i am the prayer